having a completely fucked up sleep schedule goes hand in hand with having a fucked up food schedule, which means my last meal is when the sun comes up and i dont get hungry until late in the day. any attempts to break this pattern risk waking up ravenously, eating-raw-meat-out-of-the-freezer hungry in the middle of what was supposed to be my sleep cycle. i do whatever the opposite of torpor is. i invented a worse way of mammalian living. do NOT steal.
so anyway, every night before i go to bed, i would fill my empty tummy with a delicious peanut butter and strawberry jelly sandwich. this is because strawberry is the tastiest, most accessible jelly. let me explain: when you go to a diner and search through the little jelly basket with all the jellies in it, you will see these flavors and these flavors ONLY!!! (ranked by deliciousness):
- strawberry
- orange marmalade
- mixed berry
- the putrid concord grape
orange marmalade is a distant second to the only good jelly on this list. i like strawberry jam.
in the mornings, i started eating special k cereal (red berries, again, the only good one) hoping the vitamin c would cure whatever was causing me to feel so fucking sick and miserable on a daily basis. every day i would wake up exhausted and every night i would go to bed in terrible pain from my entire chest down. it was hard to explain my symptoms outside of just feeling like total shit generally. to be honest, i thought it was just the result of bad living. my chest was often tight but i attributed this to how freakishly tense my body is from years of letting anxiety run ramshod over my brain and body. ive had this problem for over a decade.
recently, i went on vacation for a few days to d.c. with my boyfriend, adam. on the evening of the second day, as we shared a plate of fried chicken livers as romantically as possible, i told him, "i feel so good. this is the best i've felt in a long time!". and i really meant it. the rash on my face had cleared up significantly, my stabbing chest pain i had attributed to heartburn/dying was gone, and best of all, i felt like i could breathe. my chest no longer felt like it was being crushed and my lungs didnt feel like they were sticking together instead of inflating. my legs didnt even hurt as much when i walked, which seemed like a massive achievement to me.
i came home from d.c. late in the evening and returned to my nightly ritual sandwich. that's when i noticed, for the first time ever (now that i was unburdened with terrible pain elsewhere), that my mouth was burning and tingling in a way that might be textbook anaphylaxis.
i thought back to the time when my sister told me she liked the taste of bananas but they were too spicy for her. and how i laughed at her and said "what the hell are you talking about", which in turn lead to the discovery of her birch allergy. i also thought back to high school when i suddenly started feeling very ill, tired, and weak almost every single day. but i would still *~bravely~* find the strength to go into work nearly every day. i would be sooooo hungry by the time i got to my job immediately after getting out of school and wouldnt get to eat until i got home at 9pm. so i would commit a little corporate theft and eat some sample sized special k (red berries) intended for patrons. hmm. a pattern is emerging.
now i have an epipen and blood work being processed by a doctor who expressed mild horror at how frequently i was dosing myself with a little bit of near death experience just for delicious strawberries. as it turns out, you feel a lot better once you stop poisoning yourself on a daily basis. at no point did i ever think i was going to die from any of my various problems despite having every symptom that obviously points at a reaction. i don't know. i thought i just rolled some bad genetic dice and got stuck with the shitty body lol.
i did sort of eat the rest of the sandwich tho. it was good. no ragrets
i now have a new problem that's going to require me to do a lot of extra lifting around the house which means i'm going to have to get my sleep schedule straightened out now rather than later. wish me luck. enjoy this newsletter. sorry it's late. [casually] i was busy slowly asphyxiating myself |
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another successful goon project |
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this specific section is going to comprise the bulk of this newsletter. it's going to come with some caveats: 1. this is very stupid 2. it is on-going and 3. i am involved(ish) and thus, a biased participant. so, read this with the grain of salt it deserves but i'll be forthcoming about what i did. man, this intro makes it sound like i'm about to confess to a terrible crime and reveal where the severed heads are buried.
this is a long story, so bear with me:
a thread on something awful dot com dedicated to remembering stupid moments in goon history had a previously unknown fact shared with it about the goon mutual aid fund:
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user "ass cobra" in cat jail
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i'm going to use the op of the mutual aid thread to helpfully label some important things you may have to return back to for clarity. or laughs. this is plinkey. |
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the mutual aid thread is located in CSPAM, the (ostensibly) shitposting forum for (ostensive) leftists. personally, i think it is comprised of the dumbest collection of self-serving, emotionally-stunted, pathetic, rage-addicted tumblr-circa-2012 rejects that the internet could assemble. it should be no surprise that communists hate each other so passionately.
the first thing i noticed (when i stumbled on this thread ages ago) was the bizarre choice to use patreon as a charity platform. this will become important later for other reasons; at the time i thought it was just a very stupid choice because patreon ends up eating at LEAST 15% of your income. a combination of platform fees, processing fees, transfer fees, VAT, and, as of this year, USA freelance tax will leave you flat fucking broke at the end of the day. source: my bank account.
this might come as a surprise given the comparatively wild west nature of the forum, but the general rule on SA when it comes to salacious gossip is "put up or shut up". that is, if you are going to make accusations against another poster's character, you better be ready to back it up. using the (recently repaired) search feature revealed a concerning pattern in plinkey's post history. get ready to scroll:
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plinkey created the fund in nov 2019 |
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this man's intestinal lining must look and act like a fucking slip-n-slide by now. eating casino food with that much regularity would force the human body to have to adapt rapidly to harsh and unfavorable conditions. it's possible, and sad, to think this may be the apex of humanity as we know it based on having the digestive prowess of a holstein cow.
if this were it, it would only just be pretty funny that the guy with the obvious gambling problem (who also can't help but incessantly post about it like anyone is impressed) is the sole arbiter of a fund that gets $3k in income every month. if plinkey exploded tomorrow from overdosing on buffet lobster specials, that $3k would just keep accumulating on patreon forever without anyone else being able to distribute it. it seems kind of reckless to do this and to also be violently defensive whenever anyone brings it up.
plinkey had this to say in this defense: |
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maybe i'm different, but if there was someone who was demonstrably incapable of having the temperament, empathy, humility, or honesty to run a charity, i would not permit them to run that charity on my website. for example, this post reveals that, at the very least, plinkey will lie by omission. |
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i guess the novel coronavirus would throw a stick in your spokes when it comes to indulging in your public facing addiction. if only there were a legal way to gamble without leaving the comfort of one's home...
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ppv=pay per view. as in, sports streaming. perhaps to bet on. additionally, user smarxist is in hilary jail.
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BUT EVEN THAT IS NOT ALL. according to the goonfund sob story, the fund runs out of money around the end of the month. we have no way of knowing this because plinkey stopped keeping public records after doing it maybe twice at the beginning of this venture. which is weird, because plinkey used donations intended to buy community members food and pay their rent on a failed democratic candidate/CSPAM pet project that only won 27% of the primary vote. why would he do that if they struggle month to month? why not save it up for goons who need help in upcoming months? |
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only after a LOT of people complained |
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now, i know what you're thinking: "hey, you can't use charity for that". well, you're right. but plinkey isn't running a charity, by any standards. unfortunately, this is my contribution to this whole stupid sideshow. imo, there is quite literally only one reason why someone would opt to choose patreon instead of
1. filing the appropriate paperwork to become tax-free and keep your nose clean
2. setting up a charity paypal (not a regular account! they have charity ones!)
or
3. setting up a donation website with wordpress+a plug in that does all the hard work for you, which is what i suggested.
here is what i said: |
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user "fun hater" is in cat jail
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i said meaner things too, but evidently i didn't have to try very hard because posting like this has earned me nearly 2 weeks of probation.
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user "fun hater" is in hilary jail as well.
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it would take too long to otherwise document the absolutely mountainous pile of terrible posts made in defense of someone who acts like he's the only person in the world who has ever been scrutinized for their behavior ever. inexplicably, he has some sort of psychic sway over the mods that has caused them to completely forget how to interpret stimuli and information. he and his fan club have been given infinite leeway in their attempts to sabotage a new fund being set up in the style of the one for the UK goons. plinkey has refused to provide any real documentation involving numbers and instead keeps posting emails from people thanking him for making the fund (which he specifically said he would not do, lol). meanwhile, an infinite supply of debate club dropouts scream and cry about how mean you are and how they DON'T CARE if he's stealing. which is frankly, an insane moral choice for a communist to make.
but, dont just take it from me. you can read this all for yourself if you want here:
1. PYF Goon Sagas&Current Dramas
2. UNOFFICAL GOONBUCKS THREAD, GET YOUR UNOFFICIAL GOONBUCKS HERE
3.The forums slush fund should not be run by a gambling addict. |
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i have absolutely no recollection of where this wiki screencap is from |
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VERY important korean cat update |
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meejoo and cats, one of the handful of youtube cat channels i watch, has finally added audrey to the outro song that lists the other cats: monji, bongji, hyuji, and the foul yoji. its right at the start of this vid so you can listen to it, its very cute! (turn on subs!)
look at how pretty she is. she was once the boss of the streets but now she is retired to a life of comfort...when she moves in with the boys she will have her own entire part of the house to herself; it would be hard to integrate her since she so...uh...feisty. |
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thanks for being patient with this haphazard release schedule everyone. as adulthood rolls on, i continue to struggle with my work (good, enjoyable) and life (also good, also enjoyable) balance. in the time it took me to type this, i had several complications/new sidequests pop up that needed attention. more news soon.
this was a very indulgent one so thank you for reading, or pretending to.
-bea
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